The Reluctant Musician

Related Pages: Instrumental Music Programme  |  Choosing a Musical Instrument  |  Practicing at Home  |  Enjoyment Through Achievment

Help! My Child Hates Their Music Lessons! 

Sharlene Habermeyer, expert columnist and author of "Good Music, Brighter Children,” has advice for parents whose child is having trouble with their music lessons. 

Dear Sharlene:

My 8 year-old daughter hates her piano lessons. She cries and complains that she is sick every time she has a lesson. She doesn't practice much either. It was my dream to have her play the piano. How do I get her to like doing this and to practice?  

Sharlene's Answer: This situation may actually involve several issues, but to find the root of the problem, you will need to ask your daughter some questions such as, why do you dislike playing the piano? What do you hate about your piano lessons? What specifically bothers you about practicing? Or do you have issues with all of these things? 

At eight years old, your daughter may not know all the answers to these questions, but my guess is that the underlying problem is she doesn't like to practice and so everything else—teacher, piano, sickness, etc., becomes a magnified negative experience. 

Here are some suggestions that may help to resolve this dilemma. 

First, if your child hates taking piano, ask her what instrument she'd like to play. Keep in mind that you are NOT giving her a choice whether or not to play a musical instrument, but rather you are giving her a choice on which instrument she'd prefer to play. 

Children should have a voice in what instrument they'd like to study. Take her to a music store and let her look at the variety of instruments. If possible, let her touch, feel and hold a violin, a flute, a clarinet, or a trumpet, etc. Inquire if someone at the store can play some of the instruments for her so that she can hear how they sound, how they are held, and how they are played. 

Have her listen to music that "features" different instruments on various CDs. Let her know that the piano is actually the easiest of instruments to play and the most popular, but it is not a good choice if she wants to eventually play in the band or orchestra in school. 

Likewise, some instruments are hard to play with braces, some require good breath control, and the string instruments require a good "ear" to find the correct notes. For additional information on this subject, refer to chapter 4 in my book, "Good Music, Brighter Children." It will answer in more detail the questions, when, why, and how to choose an instrument for your child. 

Second, does your daughter have difficulties with the teacher? The importance of a good teacher cannot be overstated. He or she is literally worth their weight in gold. They can make all the difference between a child having a positive feeling about music or not wanting to have anything to do with learning a musical instrument. 

Our sons' first music teacher was a dedicated and inspiring teacher with the rare gift of relating to all children. She literally made every lesson fun and exciting, but she was also a tough taskmaster and insisted on pieces being played musically and with correct timing and rhythm. 

When choosing a teacher, look for the following qualities: 

• Interview several possible music teachers. Ask questions regarding their length of time teaching, their expectations, and methods of teaching.  
• Ask to attend a recital so that you can observe the abilities of the students. If the teacher doesn't have recitals, find another teacher. Recitals motivate the child to complete and polish their music. They also help to keep student enthusiasm at a high level.  
• Choose a teacher that will complement your child's personality and will be flexible in allowing your child to help select the pieces she will play. 
• Discuss with the teacher the length of the lesson time, as well as how much time your child should be practicing each day. 

Third, the main problem may be that your child hates to practice. Getting a child to practice consistently can be a challenge. Few children enjoy practicing day after day, except perhaps Mozart who hated to stop practicing and Handel, whose mother hid a clavichord in the attic so that at night he could secretly practice without his father knowing. (His father wanted him to become a lawyer and not a musician.) 

Right before our sons began playing a musical instrument, we set down the rules for practicing while they were still excited about this new adventure. Before the first lesson, we drew up a contract explaining the terms of practicing, commitment and expectations. 

Once everyone agreed to the rules, both my husband and I and each of our sons signed the contract, and a copy was given to everyone. As a parent, you need to expect that five or six months into the lessons the fun and excitement will wane and the complaining will begin, so expect it and don't be devastated when it happens. (And keep in mind that it will eventually pass.) "I don't like this anymore," "This is too hard," "I want to quit," are typical comments heard. 

At this point, I whip out the contract and remind them of their commitment, and I DO NOT LET THEM QUIT! By not allowing your child to give up, you are teaching her a valuable lesson of life. It is called perseverance. You wouldn't allow your child to stop going to school if she got discouraged or didn't like the homework, would you? 

Losing enthusiasm about practicing is a very common occurrence with children because they are experiencing the discipline of doing something each day that can become frustrating and difficult. So when this happens, find out what motivates your child and then pursue it. Give them rewards or incentives, but keep in mind that when using rewards let the child decide what they want and are willing to work for. It may be a trip to the ice cream store, staying up later at night, or money to see a movie, etc. This period usually doesn't last long because as the child becomes more proficient with their music, the music itself becomes the reward. 

When I speak to audiences about this subject, invariably, many people share stories of unfulfilled dreams of learning a musical instrument. They quit because it got difficult, and their parents allowed it. My second son complained bitterly for five years about practicing, but I wouldn't let him quit. He, too, had numerous reasons of why he hated taking music lessons. Ryan is now in college and because of his love for music, he still continues to take piano lessons. Here are some additional ideas to help your child as they begin to play an instrument: 

• Establish a time each day for practicing. For consistency, try to make it the same time every day.  
• If possible, sit with your child during the practice sessions for support and encouragement.  
• Have your child regularly put on performances for the family. It will give her a chance to "show-off" for the family.  
• Be generous with your praise.  
• Be patient. Learning to play a musical instrument involves learning many complex skills at once, and you child will need to receive a great deal of love and patience. 
• Consider taking lessons yourself, along with your child. It will help you to understand what they are experiencing and children are usually more motivated to do something if the parent is participating in the same activity.
   

I cannot emphasize enough the importance of not allowing your child to quit their music lessons. Learning a musical instrument not only builds bigger and better brains, but you are also giving your daughter something that she will enjoy her entire life and a gift and talent that she can pass down to her children. 

It can literally become a legacy for future generations. The dream you have of your daughter playing the piano—or any other instrument—can be realized. It simply takes time, patience, a lot of love...and when necessary, turning a deaf ear to their complaints! 

Source: http://www.committment.com/habermeyer.html